Knowing When to Trust Oneself
by Quarkie
Summary: If you were Sam, could you find a way to trust yourself again? JS element, but mainly a short story about Sam and well...herself and the changes she goes through from 31 to 38 and beyond. Completed.
1. One of One Hundred

This is a short 5 chapter story, which is done. I am proof reading and will put up the other 4 chapters over the next couple of days.

This story does contain spoilers for One Hundred Days (Season 3), Threads (Season 8), Ethon (Season 9), 200 (Season 10), and I think all other references are pretty vague. There is a JS element, but this is really a Sam story.

Don't worry, just taking a very short break while editing Chapter 18 of Where's Anna, which should be done soon. Enjoy….

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**_1…One of One Hundred_**

She knew immediately that she had made a mistake, the schematics for the primitive particle beam accelerator under her head were a dead give away. This was not the Sam Carter she was looking for. She should have suspected it would be trickier than it seemed. These things usually were. For now she was stuck here, and if the last time was any indication it would be about six hours. _Oh well, _she decided to make the best of it. After all what else could she do? She couldn't hide. She couldn't leave, so…all that was left was to make the best of it.

She looked around to try and gain a sense of the timing. Which was funny and ironic given that the only things she could be certain of from that particular time period were the sleeping Sam Carter in front of her and the plans under her head. She looked around the room at the instruments, marveling at the power of the mind. The scene was an amalgamation of many memories of the room. Her mind was filling in the blanks from numerous time periods, for there were instruments in the room that she was certain never occupied this space at the same time. She wondered what vision of the room the sleeping Sam would have when she woke and how her mind would fill in the blanks.

Major Carter woke from her sleep, embarrassed that she had fallen asleep at her desk again. If Janet found out she would certainly have her banned from the base. As hard as she was working she was treading a fine line here and needed to be more careful. She stretched her arms, and then pulled them down quickly when she saw that she was not alone. Now she was really embarrassed; caught. How long had she been here? Oh no, were those stars on her shoulders? The woman still had her back to her, so Sam straightened up, ran her hands through her hair and over her face to make sure she was as presentable as possible before she cleared her throat.

"Oh don't worry about it, go back to sleep," the General dismissed her.

"Excuse me?" Sam asked as politely as she could at the odd remark, but it trailed off a bit as the General turned and she recognized her to be her own self. She looked more closely at the familiar face and noticed the lines; she seemed older. Tomorrow she would definitely start using that wrinkle cream Janet recommended.

"This will be a bit hard to explain and I am thinking it's probably best if I don't but then again, knowing you it may not be an option. So what are you working on?"

"I'm hallucinating?" Sam asked hopeful.

"Okay, sure. Anything you want to discuss?"

"With a hallucination?"

"Sure it can be revealing to speak to your subconscious, sometimes it can anyway."

"Do I feel that old?"

"Excuse me?!" the General asked quite offended. But, yes it would be quite a shock if she were in her shoes. "Oh, well let's just go with an older, wiser self."

"Two-star General _self_? A bit optimistic aren't we?"

"Aren't we?" Major Carter shrugged her shoulders; sure she was. "So what is the current project?"

"Don't you already know? Wait a minute. You're not a hallucination are you? What are you?" Major Carter went on the defensive. The General saw her tense and she realized this was getting more complicated. She needed to diffuse the situation.

"You're exhausted, Sam," the Major relaxed a little, of course she was. Seeing as the most obvious answer usually was the correct answer, she decided it was most likely a dream. "Certainly it would be difficult for my future self to determine exactly which project had me sleeping in the lab this time?" The General was hopeful this young Major Carter's experiences with alien deceptions were somewhat limited based on the primitive piece of equipment she was working on.

The Major ran her hand through her hair, "Just trying to figure out a way to get Colonel O'Neill home."

"You will. Relax."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Older, wiser…it's in here." She tapped her head.

"Any advice? If you are my subconscious and if it's in here, tell me where it is."

The General winced, her approach was backfiring. How much longer was she stuck here? She looked at her watch. It was stuck. Well, of course it was. Vague couldn't hurt though, right? "Try the impossible."

"Oh, that's so very helpful."

"Sam, you are dismissing ideas because you think they are impossible. It won't be easy, but you have the ability to go beyond what is and create what could be. You know I'm right."

"Well if I had any doubt that you were an apparition, your lack of help has certainly cleared things up for me."

The General sat at a stool across from the Major. She clasped her hands and closed her eyes. She looked as though she was praying, but she was trying to think of what she did wrong and how to correct for it the next time. She had to get the hang of this and get to the right time.

Major Carter watched her from the stool on the other side of the table. She scrutinized her counter-part. The self-proclaimed hallucination/apparition/General. She really didn't look that bad for someone she would imagine to be a General. Things had shifted a bit here and there, there were a few more _laugh_-lines, but over-all she thought the General version of herself was distinguished and respectable. She had an admirable sense of peace and contentment and carried herself in a way that spoke of someone with more confidence and rank than her current station. She wasn't certain if she should question the experience or admire her imagination.

"What?'

"Just thinking."

The General looked at the young Major. Was she really ever that young? She was exhausted, with dark circles under her eyes. She really had a way of pushing herself to the limits; certainly bringing her CO home was a good reason to push. How she wished she could reassure her and let her know it would be alright. That she would experience so many amazing things, and that although there may be times when things got really rough, she would succeed and she would even find the happiness her father wanted for her.

The General tried to remember exactly what she was going through at this point. Thinking back she could remember the helplessness, the fear….the realizations. This was a difficult time and it was not going to be any easier once he got home. "You should go home, get a hot shower and a good nights rest."

"No time."

"There's time. You'll think clearer if you do. Trust me."

"Alright, Mom."

"I am not old enough to be your mother…oh well, I guess I am."

"You're not a hallucination or a dream, are you?" The General just smiled. "What do you want?"

"It's not important, Sam. You don't have it."

"Don't have what?"

"The information I need."

"What are you? Are you my future self?"

"It doesn't matter, Sam. It's irrelevant. I could spend time trying to convince you who I am, but in the end it won't matter."

"It won't matter, because you have to come back to see me in another time to get what you're looking for. Wouldn't it make sense to lay some sort of foundation, while you're here?"

"It won't matter."

"Because I won't remember?" But still the General just smiled. She was hoping her time would be up soon. As the Major was getting quite inquisitive. "How will you convince me when you do get to the right time?"

"Don't know yet."

"Will I find this more plausible?"

"Probably not."

"Why don't you practice on me?"

"You haven't experienced the things I can refer to and I can't bring them up or I'm interfering."

"Grandfather Paradox?"

"Something like that."

"You really aren't going to tell me anything, are you? Any advice?"

"You'll figure it out. Trust yourself. You're doing fine, Major."

"I'll save him?"

"It isn't the first time and I can assure you it won't be the last time." The General smiled. Jack once tallied up for her how many times she saved him. Major Carter looked into the General's eyes for confirmation that she was serious. Sure there was a good chance this was a hallucination or dream, but something told her the General was exactly what she appeared to be.

Major Carter woke up in the infirmary with a start. Janet placed her hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, Sam. Relax, lay back." Janet pointed the beam of light into Sam's eyes to check her pupil reaction.

"Janet, what am I doing here?" she looked around the infirmary frantic for confirmation of reality.

"You're not taking care of yourself; you're exhausted Sam. You've lost a lot of weight. I checked and you haven't left the base since you came back from Edora. I'm ordering rest and three meals a day.

"How long have I been here?"

"About five hours. Teal'c found you unconscious in your lab, and brought you in. You're going home, Sam."

"Please, Janet, just for one night. I promise I'll rest and eat. Just let me come back in the morning. I think I'm close."

Janet couldn't help but give in to the look of hope in Sam's eyes, "Alright. But not until morning, and not before 0800. I'll drive you home and pick you up in the morning, alright?"

"Thanks Janet." Sam knew if she was going to be able to continue working she had to compromise with Janet, or she might keep her off base longer.

One impossible feat later and she had him home, although for the life of her she wasn't certain why she put all of that effort into bringing someone home who didn't seem all that happy to be home.


	2. Unraveling and Mending

_**2…Unraveling and Mending**_

Sam sat in the dark observation room. The tears in her eyes clouded her vision to the point where she could barely make out the placement of the equipment in the room, then slipped down her face and onto the empty bed in front of her. She thought she was past this point, but somehow she ended up back here: in the observation room. She felt as if she slipped into a black tunnel of grief. She stood determined, wiped her eyes, stepped back and turned to leave and as she did she nearly ran into herself.

Sam tensed and then sighed a deep sigh that firmly expressed 'not now!' They got them all. Didn't they?! She ran to pull the alarm and nothing sounded. She picked up the phone and only found silence. She ran out into the hall; only to re-enter the room facing her double again. She tried again with the same result.

The General looked at the tear stained face curiously, trying to gauge the moment. Why was she crying? Was it Daniel, Janet,….Jack?

Colonel Carter slid down the wall in defeat. They couldn't win. What had been real, what hadn't? Had he really died?

The General sat across from her. Not wanting to give away anything she didn't have to, "Major?"

"Colonel." She corrected flatly.

"Not Janet then…Daniel?" She asked quietly.

Sam looked at her oddly, "What could you possibly care?" Her double continued to look at her oddly and it was getting rather irritating, "What do you want?"

"Sorry, nothing. Too early again. I was just concerned. I can't place the time exactly and I'm not sure-"

"My Dad…..my Dad is dead. He's not supposed to be. You are. He wouldn't have died, if he didn't think we weren't going to succeed and now…he died for nothing."

The General realized the moment, the sense of dread at seeing herself at this point in her life would be a slap in the face. This was really bad timing. Too early and just really, _really_ bad timing.

"I'm not her, Sam. Dad did succeed. You know he didn't die in vain. He did what he had to do. We were lucky to have that time with him. Luckily he didn't die out there somewhere, when we couldn't have said goodbye. Luckily he didn't die of cancer without the chance to really get to know him the way we did."

Sam's stomach turned at the thought of this Replicator referring to her Dad as her own.

The General kept her distance so she did not alarm the Colonel, but did continue to try and reassure her, "I'm not her, Sam. She's gone. I don't need anything from you. Unfortunately we are stuck here for a few hours, so you will have to put up with me for a little while longer. But I-"

"Stuck here?"

"Do you remember?"

"Remember what?"

"When the Colonel was stuck on Edora, I came and we talked for a few hours…"

Sam looked at her more closely…the wrinkles, the older, wiser General. She couldn't even trust her older-wiser alter ego, not now. A more naïve, exhausted Sam could toy with the idea that the experience could have been real, but not anymore. Not after everything she had been through. Nevertheless she relaxed slightly in the hopes that this was not the Replicator version of herself.

She looked at her cautiously, "Where are the stars? Have we given up, did I screw up…did something change?"

"No, just thought I would leave them home this time. A sort of casual Friday, without the Friday if you will."

"Okay."

"Sorry, I didn't come here, to this time on purpose. I thought I was closer. I never would have-"

"Closer?"

"As I mentioned before, I need something from you, but it's still too soon."

"Having trouble with your aim?"

"Something like that. It's okay really. I know with everything you've experienced you are more likely to believe this is a deception of alien influence, even more than a dream or hallucination. Hathor, Apophis, Fifth, …Prometheus…her. Things often are not quite what they seem."

"Tell me about it."

The General looked around the room remembering her Dad in the bed and wiped a tear from her eye. Being brought back to this moment in here was all too real, even this far removed. Her Dad and Selmack probably could have helped her through this. Then again he probably would have told her she was crazy. Maybe she was. This was dangerous. She was messing with her past. If her visits changed anything, it could be for the worse.

Jack found her on the floor of the observation room. The recent events had obviously been more of a strain than she had led on, and more than he had realized. He picked her up and gently placed her on the bed, then called Dr. Brightman. He stood close to the bed pushing the hair off her face and wiping the evidence of her tears away. She looked so peaceful and he wondered how he could have believed she could really be okay with everything she had been through recently. How could he let her get away with telling him she was 'fine'? Dr. Brightman came in with a nurse and he stepped out of the way.

He'd rather not be in this room. So many feelings of dread washed over him - Kawalsky, Daniel, Carter, Teal'c, Cassie and now Jacob – too many near misses and goodbyes. But he wouldn't leave and no one could order him out either. Now he got to do whatever he wanted, and right now not even Carter could argue with him on that one.

"Colonel Carter, can you hear me?" the doctor asked as she shined the light in her eyes. With the nurse she evaluated her. "She's unconscious, Sir, but seems stable. We'll run some more tests. I'm going to keep her here for now." Jack nodded with his hands clenched deep in his pockets. When the nurse left with the blood samples and Dr. Brightman moved over to make sure the monitors were set-up properly, he rolled a stool over towards her with his foot and sat with her to wait.

They had both been quiet for sometime. Perhaps Sam should see if she could determine what was going on, but she didn't really care. She should care, last week she would have cared. She would have pushed and pushed to figure this out, but right now it didn't matter if she was dreaming or if it was that Replicator. All she had wanted was a little respite to gather her thoughts, re-stabilize before getting thrown back into the thick of things. Instead she was here.

That was it. This was the last straw she was transferring - transferring to some place quieter, where her thoughts could be her own, for at least a little while. With Pete out of the picture she was free to pursue her life without considering anyone else again, or was she? Truthfully, she had not had that freedom for sometime, her commitment to the team…to him. But now things were changing. Teal'c had other priorities and Daniel was being pulled in another direction. It seemed like a good time to make a break. She had drifted off thinking, and almost forgot where she was and that she was not alone.

"What are you thinking about?" the General asked. Curious of what this experience was doing to her current state.

"Oh, that maybe it's time to make some changes…."

"Try something different?"

"Yeah." The General nodded. This was a pivotal juncture. Things had to happen just right, as she looked back she marveled at the way the paths split and converged. Life was funny that way. Stepping back often had a way of bringing things into focus. She smiled. "What?"

"Just appreciating hindsight."

"Ba'al."

"What?"

"You're Ba'al."

"No Sam, it really is simply me, you….us."

"You want to know more about Dakara."

"Ba'al knew everything he needed to know about Dakara, without me, you….us."

"So where are we?"

"Another dimension. One without the constraints of….Interesting, I know you don't believe me, and yet….Oh you are trying to see if you can find holes in what I say, so you can determine what's really happening."

"No….maybe."

"Well, we're on another plane of existence where linear time is irrelevant. Tricky to stabilize for this purpose, but doable for a short period of time."

"We're in another dimension?"

"Our consciousnesses are."

"Cool," she couldn't help herself.

"Our physical beings are in our proper dimensions, most likely being attended to by the usual highly trained medical professionals; at least on my end. Were you alone in the observation room?" Sam nodded. "The SGC is a hard place to be alone for very long." The General smiled reassuringly.

Sam envied that smile. This woman was patient and content, and Sam felt no contentment. She still wondered if she had done the right thing breaking up with Pete. Maybe she wanted too much. Maybe she was just being unrealistic. No, she was right. Settling wouldn't have been good for either of them. "How?" She asked. Funny that she felt she needed a distraction from herself.

"Oh just another Ancient device; takes a bit of mastering. The first time I ended up with my…our seven year old self. Interesting conversations there." Sam's brow furrowed at a glimpse of a memory that had never quite made sense. But she quickly shook it off. There were too many ways to manipulate real and false memories in these situations. "You remember...Don't worry it shouldn't be much longer."

"Then what?"

"You'll wake up and go on with life. Make those changes you're contemplating and see what happens."

"That's it?"

"From my stand point, yes."

"So you want me to make changes?"

"Sam, I don't want to influence any decisions you make. It's in my best interest not to influence you in anyway."

"But, you risked-"

"Not intentionally."

"It's risky coming back and what three times?"

"Four, if I get it right the next time."

"What happens when you do…get it right?"

"We'll have a talk. If I don't, it will be yet another lovely jaunt down memory lane. More quality time with myself."

"And when will that be?"

The General smiled. "Don't worry, I'm getting better at this. Not too much longer."

Sam sat with a start. Raising her hands sharply to her head she knocked General O'Neill in the chin making him bite his tongue. "Carter." He screamed in a muffled voice as he covered his mouth.

"What?" She looked around confused and startled. She was still in the darkened observation room, but with a different General. One who looked like he was in a lot of pain. "Oh sorry, did I do that?"

"It's alright." He tried to reassure her through the pain.

Dr. Brightman stepped in, "How are you feeling Colonel Carter?"

"Disoriented."

"Have you been skipping meals, Colonel? I know you're under a lot of stress, but your blood chemistry requires you to keep on top of…" she stopped knowing she had already given the Colonel the speech several times since she had been here. It was something the woman should already be on top of without constant reminders.

"I know." Sam looked down. It was times like these that Janet's absence was wholly felt.

"Carter, you listen to the doctor or I'll make three squares an order."

"Yes, sir. Can I go home, Doctor?"

"Wow, doc. Run some more tests stat, something is terribly wrong." The two of them looked at him. "She never asks to go home."

"I don't think it's a good idea that you are alone tonight, Colonel. You were unconscious for quite a while."

Sam looked Jack squarely in the eyes, "I won't be." She looked away before Dr. Brightman looked up from the monitor, but not before she got her confirmation. He nodded ever so slightly and it was enough for her.

"Well, alright, I write down instructions for how often you need to be checked on…"

"Seeing as you're alright, Colonel, I'm going to go get some work done. Come by my office before you head home?"

The smile on his face triggered one of her own, "Yes, sir."


	3. Don't You Ever Give Up?

**_3…Don't you ever give up?_**

Sam Carter walked down the hall. She was in a good mood. She almost had to restrain herself from skipping. Skipping not being very professional, she wasn't even sure why. She just felt happy and these days who was she to question moments of joy.

An airman walking past looked at her oddly and she realized she probably wasn't restraining herself as well as she thought.

She reached the elevator and pressed the button. When the doors opened, she lightly stepped inside and pressed the button for level 21.

On level 21 Daniel stood at the elevator waiting for it to arrive. He had burned his hand on the coffee maker while reaching for the pot with his nose in a book. Unfortunately, there had been no pot and his hand made contact with the very hot burner. He hadn't done that in a while. It was not a severe burn, but he wanted to make sure it healed before the next mission or he might not be cleared. And, seeing as they were exploring ancient ruins and not fighting priors, he certainly did not want to miss this mission.

The doors opened and he stepped in, and almost stepped on…Sam. "I need help here," Daniel screamed down the hall, trying to hold the door open with his foot while trying to reach Sam to find out what was wrong with her. "Someone, help," he yelled louder.

An SF ran to the nearby infirmary and retrieved the doctor.

"She's stable, let's get her to the infirmary," the doctor proclaimed. They lifted her on to the gurney. Daniel listened as the doctor ran the code and called for her stats as she worked to determine what was wrong with the Colonel.

"Colonel?...Colonel Carter, can you hear me?" she asked as she shined the light into Sam's unresponsive eyes. Quickly Sam was attached to many monitors and samples of her blood were already being rushed off to the lab. The doctors and nurses continued to evaluate her.

Daniel stood fixed to the scene before him, his right palm cupped in his left elbow and his left hand covered the lower portion of his face. He listened to the doctor explain to General Landry that they had no reason to believe this was contagious. It was not the Prior plague, no one else had complained of anything in the last 12 hours. Landry checked with Daniel and returned to his office. Daniel left to make the phone call he dreaded.

When Daniel returned he took a seat next to her bed. Sam was stable and was resting quietly. Or so it seemed; she looked peaceful. Not struggling with anything, just lying there peacefully sleeping. The monitors beeped in a steady rhythm and if it wasn't for the fact that she was unconscious, she would seem to be in pretty good shape.

Cam came into the room loudly. The man seemed to enter every situation at the same volume, "I was at lunch and some airman comes in talking about one minute he sees Colonel Carter nearly skipping down the hall, next thing he hears she's collapsed in the elevator. What's going on Daniel, they figure it out yet?"

"No."

"She's gonna be alright though; it's Carter after all."

"I'm sure she'll be fine, Cam." But he didn't sound convincing.

"Come on, Daniel," he punched him in the arm. "We've been worse off, she's probably just exhausted or something silly like that."

"Sure."

"I'm just saying, in a couple of days will all be laughing about this over meatloaf. You gonna stay?"

"Yeah." It felt like someone should. Jack was always here for them. He always made sure they made it out. It didn't seem right that she should be alone. Daniel opened his book. The nurses came into check on her occasionally, wrote down their findings on their clipboards and left. The few hours he sat there seemed like days.

When Dr. Lam entered the room he put down his book, "Dr. Lam, how is she?"

"She's unconscious, but I don't know why. So far, everything is coming back normal. I can call you if I have any news."

He smiled shyly, he knew what she meant. "It may seem silly, but it's kinda tradition."

"SG-1 takes the _leave no man behind_ policy seriously. I get it."

"…or woman, and we all do here."

She nodded, not all did. She had plenty of SG team members in and out of here, plenty with an empty chair by the bed.

Teal'c came in and Daniel went to get something to eat. No words were exchanged. No reassurances that he would stay, or that she would be alright. Just an unspoken understanding.

It seemed like a long way up to level 21. Sam pushed the button again and then turned and that's when she saw her. She looked back at the buttons and pushed the alarm button, nothing happened.

"Sorry?" Sam, well the other Sam from her perspective said. Looking truly sorry, and she could tell because she knew that look very well.

"What's going on?" She figured _she_ probably knew, because she, the other her did not seem bothered at all. Apologetic, but not bothered.

"Did you miss me?" Sam looked at her puzzled. "Just get back from Caledonia?"

"P6G-452."

"Oh yeah, corn, close enough."

"What do you want?" Sam asked warily. She didn't think this was the Replicator. Had no reason to believe she had a concussion. But she had been in enough deceptive situations to know better than trusting this one.

"Come on, Sam. You remember."

"Memories can be tricky things."

"Yes, they can. Fourth times the charm, though." She smiled.

"So I am to believe that it was all real and that you finally hit your mark, General."

"How can I prove that this is real?"

"What kind of proof would you require?"

"Ahhh…there's the rub. Can't think of a single thing. Everything I can tell you to prove this is real, already exists in your subconscious, so anything I say is subject to speculation. I thought this through, I had hoped some great revelation would come to me and I would have an answer for you, but here we are…"

"Okay…here we are. Why are we here?"

"I need information."

"You need information from yourself?"

"Yep."

"If you are me, why do you need it from me?"

"It was along time ago, something I thought it was better to forget I had ever seen, only I was wrong and now I need it and so…"

"Yeah, you see now that sounds like a reason to deceive me."

"Only I'm not."

"So, I can just come along and pluck me out of time and pick my own brain?" Sam slid down to the floor and crossed her left foot under her bent right leg.

The General slid down to the floor to sit across from her, appreciative that her 57 year old knees would not be able to complain on this plane of existence. "You already know it's trickier than that. As I explained before: you're not really here and I'm not really there."

"Okay, well that's the only thing that makes sense so far. So I'm not really in an elevator?"

"And, neither am I. I'm telling you the truth. I think you know that."

"So what do you want to know?"

"Caledonia."

"Yes, you mentioned that. What about it?"

"You were recently there and I need something from the plans of the Ori weapon."

"A weapon? You want to know how to make a weapon? Well that just proves you are not who you say you are."

"What the great Sam Carter doesn't create weapons? We were the first to create a naquadah enhanced nuclear weapon and let's not forget the Mark 9 and…."

"I did that within my own reality."

"Sure you'll follow orders. Okay, I out rank you. I order-"

"You can't order yourself-"

"So you concede that this is possible."

"Of course, I can concede that this is possible. It's a moot point, if you were there you would know that the plans I saw were incomplete and that I never saw completed schematics." Sam shook her head. "I'm afraid I can't help you."

"Yes, you did." The General smiled.

"If I did we would have made them to protect earth."

"We didn't have the capability to ensure we would have control. With the Ori out there it was more likely that we would have destroyed ourselves. That was my reasoning, after all. Look what Caledonia did to itself."

"They were engulfed in a civil war. We aren't."

"Sam, I don't have a lot of time."

"Well, I've got plenty of time."

"No you don't. You're scheduled for a mission tomorrow. This could derail that mission."

"Oh, if I'm unconscious? I am sure you are already well aware that the mission has been scrubbed. They won't let me through the gate the day after being unconscious. So how did we defeat the Ori?"

"You know I can't tell you that. Our very own rules; that whole messing up the timeline thing."

"And, this doesn't?"

"What have I told you that you don't already know?"

"Exactly. So you have nothing to offer to prove this is _real_."

"Sam, I will just have to come back again. I am trying to be as careful as possible to not disturb your life."

"Thank you I appreciate that, but sorry there is nothing you can say."

"On the next mission, the way out is through the research station."

Sam woke with a start as if coming up from deep under water. The monitors were beeping with a frenzied pace as Sam heartbeat was racing and she was gasping for air, looking around frantically."

"It's alright Sam. Dr. Lam." Daniel, tried to calm her and call for the Doctor with a sense of urgency at the same time. "It's alright Sam." Daniel kept trying to reassure both her and himself.

"What happen?" Sam asked.

"Good question," Dr. Lam responded.

As a result, Landry ordered her to take a few days off. Perhaps the stress of the plague and everything they had been going through had been getting to her. She hated when they accused her of not handling stress well. Who was it again who consistently pulled their butts out of the fire? She worked great under pressure. She did some of her best work under pressure.

The final verdict was that low blood sugar caused her to pass out and hit her head on the floor, thus the loss of consciousness. She had never once mentioned her experiences to anyone. They had always been explained away – stress, low blood sugar…and she let it rest at that. She didn't need to have them calling her crazy as well as irresponsible for not eating regularly. After all, maybe it was that simple. But, at the same time she began to question the experiences. Was it possible? Would she? Could she ever be that desperate?

Her time off was not any easier. Standing in the department store she looked at the towels trying to determine what color to get, but it seemed too trivial. With all that was taking place out there it was hard to care what color towels hung in the bathroom.

When she returned to duty they resumed their planned mission to visit the ancient ruins that Daniel thought might be helpful in providing a clue to defeating the Ori. Only that mission was scrubbed to baby-sit. Baby-sit bureaucrats. She didn't like to baby-sit, not even when she was younger. This was not a good idea. But she went along to show she was back to normal, and to get SG-1 back on track.

Later that day as she stood in the cave listening to Woolsey drone on about being more positive, she suddenly felt that maybe the stress was getting to her. Either that or impatience with bureaucrats was contagious; something you could perhaps catch from close contact with a certain short-tempered General.

"_Mr. Woolsey, if I could go back in time -- which, admittedly is an opportunity I am occasionally presented with-"_ the statement echoed through her head as she walked back to the entrance of the cave. Later when Daniel brought up the research station she shook with a chill and agreed. _The way out is the research station._

Safely returned to the SGC Sam buried herself in working on one of the devices from Glastonbury. When the phone rang at 0330, she knew exactly who it was, he would be getting up to get ready for work, "Carter, you're still there?"

"Yes."

"Not going home?"

"No."

"I could order you."

"But, you won't."

"You sound tired." She knows logically she should go to her room and sleep. Sleep being the natural thing to do when one is tired, but strangely the exhaustion that blurs reality and hallucinations is almost comforting. As if she can write it all off as a hallucination and… "Please, go and sleep?"

She wanted to fight, but admittedly she was reaching the point where she would fall asleep on the table in front of her. And, he did ask nicely, "Alright, I'll go lay down for a little while."

"Thanks. Oh by the way, I like the blue towels." She snorted; she loved the fact that he could find joy in something as simple as new towels. But then again he always had a knack for compartmentalizing.


	4. My Own Private Camelot

_**4…My Own Private Camelot**_

Life was moving forward at such a fast pace; from one crisis to the next. Sam had hardly been home in the last couple of weeks and now she was happily snuggled between the sheets of her bed, looking on as the sun filtered through the shears covering the window. The sunlight danced around the room and she remembered why weekend mornings were so glorious. She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath, and smiled. She swore she could smell the sunshine.

"Hi," said a voice that should be familiar; funny how you don't recognize your own voice. She had heard it quite a few times, but she never got used to it, her more dominant thoughts were a string of profanities. Sam opened her eyes. And, there she was sitting comfortably against the headboard.

"Not today!" Sam rolled over away from her.

"I told you I am trying to disrupt your life as little as possible and I am getting pretty good at this device now. I checked. You have the day off. So I figured this wouldn't interfere with your schedule, since you are not telling anyone about our little meetings. Which leads me to believe that we are thinking dreams. Because if you felt this was a real threat-"

"I'm not telling you anything." Sam pulled the covers over her head.

"Your current IDC is 793-284-467. I need that information before you forget. You can keep the beautiful morning. We can stay here and analyze the streams of neutrinos filtering through to your heart's content."

"There is nothing you can say to convince me that I would ever _need_ to create that weapon."

"Well there's a step in the right direction. We have progressed past 'I know nothing' to reasoning motivations." The General nodded, "Funny you trust hallucinations of Daniel, Teal'c, Dad and Jack, but we question our own self. Does this have something to do with that Replicator version of us?"

She through back the covers, "Do I really need to explain anything to you?" She was tiring of herself. "I'm not having this conversation."

"You need to trust your intuition Sam. You have a lot of tough battles ahead of you and only some of them have to do with what's out there."

"Thanks for the heads up, but my intuition is telling me to go back to sleep or wake up; whichever gets rid of you."

"You know when you look back, you tend to see yourself as so much more evolved than we really are. This would be a good time in your life to take some time and think about what's really important."

"What like shopping for towels? Because if you keep messing with my life, I will have plenty of time to contemplate my color choice of towels. Look maybe you've overcome the Ori problem, but we haven't. I have a lot of work to do and I don't have time- Wait you don't need this weapon to fight the Ori, do you?"

"No….well would it make a difference?"

"No."

"Of course it wouldn't. Look at the bigger picture, Sam."

"Ba'al?"

"We've been through this, I'm not Ba'al."

"Find another way."

"Do you think I would come here and go through this with you if I had another way? How can I convince you?

"NID?"

"Even after you were beamed up from the research station at the Gamma site. You still believe this a deception, a hallucination, bad dream, what?"

"Any of the above; it doesn't matter."

"Unless it's real."

"Real. There's a funny word for you."

"Yeah, I guess you have a point." They both laughed, a little too long. Sam looked sideways at the General suspiciously, "It's really pretty out. I remember this room, I loved the way the sun flowed through the curtains on the rare mornings I was treated to waking after the sun came up." The older Sam smiled a very reminiscent smile, the sun playing across her face. "Sam, I'll have to come back again, and again."

"It doesn't matter, even if I believe you might be telling the truth. I can't tell you. If there is even the slightest chance I'm wrong…."

"What of the chance that I'm right?"

Sam looked to the sunlight, felt the warm of it across her face, closed her eyes and sighed.

"Sam! Sam!" His fingers dug into her shoulders painfully. He started to shake her, "Sam?"

She winced as she struggled against the force of his arms and the fear in his voice to sit up of her own volition. "Stop!" She looked at him unsure of the reality of the moment. "Jack?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." He was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her very closely, "You really had me worried. It's 1430."

"When did you get…" Sam looked at the window. The sun was high now and no longer streaming through the window, it seemed like just a moment ago. "…get here?"

He followed her gaze to the window. "Just now. We talked about this last night, Sam." He looked at her concerned, memories of the phone calls from Daniel several weeks back. "I'm calling Dr. Lam."

"No!" she reached for his hand. "I'm just really tired." She knew her plea was a little strained. "Please just let me have a few more minutes and we can go get a late lunch or early dinner."

"Sure….okay, I've got a couple of things to do around here." Jack kissed her lightly on the head, his concern buried deep in his forehead.

Sam smiled, "I'm alright, Jack. I've only been back on earth less than 24 hours. Watching all of those ships being blown up like that, stuck out there in outer space, it's a lot deal with…"

"I know." He took a deep breath and relaxed. "I'll tell you what, you rest. I'll go out and get us something to eat. We don't need to go out anywhere, I'd rather stay in anyway."

"Sounds good." She rolled over and closed her eyes. He walked out looking back, still not entirely convinced. Behind her eyelids she only saw darkness and that was a little too reminiscent of the darkness of space. When she heard his truck engine rev-up in the garage, she threw off the covers and jumped in the shower.


	5. …Two hundred…Pancakes?

**_5…Two hundred…Pancakes?_**

Sam stepped out of the shower, and dried her hair with a towel as she walked to her locker. They had just returned from the party for Cam's 200th time through the Gate. In some strange way she appreciated having Vala around, she helped Sam feel more……sane, I mean what were a few hallucinations compared to being Vala?

Vala herself was finishing up at her locker, "So are you going for pancakes with us? Daniel said they are open all night. Can you imagine, pancakes at anytime of the day? Teal'c and Cam are coming. You can invite your yummy General to join us."

Sam looked at her surprised, but then realized what a waste of time that would be to try to feign ignorance with Vala, "Yummy, General?"

"Come on, it'll be fun," Vala smiled as she imitated Cam.

"Daniel already asked. We're going."

"Oh goodie." Vala clapped her hands and turned to close her locker and when she turned back around she found Sam lying on the floor. She ran to her, and then ran to the door and called for help. The guys were already waiting for them outside the locker room.

They ran in. Jack knelt down beside her and held her face, "Sam….Sam." He checked her pulse, as Daniel called the infirmary. Jack looked up at Vala, "Did she say anything?"

"No."

"Anything at all?"

"No!" Vala yelled back. She was not one to be intimidated, and certainly wasn't to blame this time either.

"Sam….Sam. Did she look alright?"

"She looked fine. We were talking about the marvelously convenient availability of pancakes on your planet…I closed my locker, turned around and she was on the floor."

"Sam…come on baby…"

"Baby?" Cam said quietly and Daniel elbowed him. "What?" Daniel elbowed him again, "but the General he just-"

"Yeah, Mitchell he does that to everyone. You should hear his pet name for Teal'c." Cam looked around Daniel to Teal'c, who raised an eyebrow at him.

They all stepped out of the way when the medical team arrived and Jack back away as well. He ran his hand through his hair. "Her, uhh pulse is elevated and…" he looked scared.

Daniel could tell Jack was not doing well, he walked over and pulled him out, "Come on, Jack. Let's give them some room."

They all made their way to the infirmary and waited.

Dr. Lam, approached the group. She looked from Daniel, to Teal'c, to Colonel Mitchell, to the man in the leather jacket whom she couldn't quite place. She was trying to figure out who exactly to address. Vala was actually the only one to realize her dilemma and feigned offense that the woman did not even acknowledge her. Daniel looked at Vala puzzled, then pulled Jack by the arm toward Dr. Lam away from the others.

"Dr. Lam this is General O'Neill."

"General." She greeted. "Oh, General O'Neill." She remembered him now as a friend of her Dad's.

Jack got his bearings and regained command, "Daniel, go back and sit down."

"You sure, Jack?"

He nodded as he bit his lip. Dr. Lam looked at the two of them confused, but realized she was supposed to talk to the General.

"General, she's unconscious and.."

"This isn't the first time."

"No."

"We're married."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know Colonel Carter-" he waved it off for her to continue. "Was there anything at the party, did she say anything about not feeling well?" Jack shook his head. "Well, we'll run some tests and see what we can figure out."

Jack returned and heard Vala whining, "Daniel, I'm hungry."

"You kids go ahead. It will be awhile before they know anything."

"How is she?"

"She probably just short circuited," Jack smiled.

"Jack?"

"Daniel- Look there's only one chair in there. Go." Daniel nodded, reluctantly. Teal'c bowed. He would stay, but did not want to invade his friends' privacy. "Have fun."

They left, but no one was planning on having any fun. In fact, they only went as far as the commissary.

Sam sat up from tying her shoe and was startled to have someone so close, so fast.

"Relax, it's just me."

Sam jumped up and looked toward Vala's locker. It was closed and she was no where to be seen. "Oh, fer crying out loud!" she yelled as she slammed her locker door shut.

"Cute….Look, I told you I'd be back." Sam pushed a deep aggravated breath out. "We're one and the same. Do you think if I feel so strongly about this, that I am giving up?"

"Do you realize what you could do to my future if you keep this up?"

"Yes," she stretched her arms out in frustration.

"This is futile."

"I agree."

Sam let out a grunt of frustration and the General sighed.

"How can you possibly believe that there is a solution to this that we can both live with?" Sam fell back down to the bench both fist clenching the bench on either side of her. Her head hung in the despair, certain that this was not going to be so easily written off this time.

"Never give up." Sam looked up toward the door. "Jack was out there, by now he knows and unlike everyone else he knows this isn't only the second time. He's really worried and it will only get worse"

"I have a sensitive blood chemistry," she reasoned.

"He's not going to buy that. Especially when it happens again next week, and the following…"

"He's a tough guy, he'll survive."

"Not when it comes to us?"

"You will get me fired!"

"Well, that would certainly stop me."

"You don't want that."

"I don't want to be here now. You want to see me lose it. Is that what you're aiming for? You want me to lose patience with you and reveal my true self. Well, here it is. Surprise, it's me….you. And, I am losing patience."

"That makes two of us, but there's still nothing I can give you."

"Sam-"

"Don't. It doesn't matter. You know that. You wouldn't break either, you know that. If you were 99.9 sure, you wouldn't give in."

The General sat defeated on the bench and shook her head. All of this work, for nothing. How could she not know it was so useless? How could she know herself so poorly?

"See?"

"If I do, it's only because I'm telling the truth."

"I know."

"Ironic."

"Yeah."

Sam wondered what would push her to the point of making so many attempts. Of risking so much…working so hard to get to this point….to get this information. What would make her feel so desperate? Just how much did she have to lose? Did she have children? What was at sake exactly? Questions she couldn't ask. Questions she wouldn't answer.

Sam stood and walked toward the showers, only to be once again facing herself. Frustrated by the limitations of this space she slid down to the floor and folded her arms on her knees and put her head down.

The General envied the simplicity of her life; the still very black and white world of her life as a Colonel. Things were certainly starting to grey for her some time ago, and not just her hair. Years from now before she had to start to make the very difficult choices that gave her such a deeper appreciation for all of the difficult decisions General Hammond and Jack had to make. All of the times she could rest in the reasoning of orders from the people she trusted. She didn't have to agree, she just had to trust their leadership and as more time passed she found herself more often on that side. Others having to trust her regardless of whether they agreed.

It was similar to parenting, surprisingly similar. Yes, life was simpler for the Colonel, even now. She had not had to put her foot down and stand firm, not backing down from a defiant three-year old melt-down in the middle of the grocery store or numerous teams under her watch that wanted to explore this ruin or rescue that team. There were other factors involved that she had to take into consideration that they did not, that the Colonel in front of her hadn't yet, either.

Yet, she respected this woman. She was getting comfortable with herself as she approached forty. The Colonel was more resilient than the Major she encountered all of those times ago. She was more mature, much more certain of who she was and how important she was to the program. She felt this strange sense of pride watching her. Even in despair and frustration, the Colonel was an impressive woman. She had nothing to prove to anyone on this base. She showed them all, made her peace with her Dad, and somewhere along the line even managed to come to terms with Jack.

Sam wondered how this all got to this point. How could she risk her past, her career? She tried to push the thought out of her head. This could just as easily be an alien influence, Sam. This entire thing could be memory plants of events that did not even happen. Don't fall for it. For all she knew she could still be Major all those years ago, before the threat of the Ori. Maybe it was the same old team, Janet didn't die, her Dad didn't die, Hammond was still in charge….no Ori, Cam, Landry, or Vala. Oh seriously now, could someone really have the creativity to make up Vala? She laughed at herself.

"What's so funny?"

"Thinking about someone trying to create Vala. Like as a character in a story." They both laughed.

"I guess there is no way out of this. You really aren't going to help me, are you?" Sam nodded and rested her chin on her folded arms. "You know this has been a very interesting journey. A few days ago I was entertaining a seven year old; she was something else. Then seeing the 31 year old version; boy was she naïve."

"Hey! Well okay."

"You've come a long way baby."

"Gee thanks, my life reduced to a cigarette ad campaign."

"It's been enlightening, Colonel."

"Tell me about it. Even not being sure of who you are, you've influenced the woman I am. It's like seeing what I can be, and seeing that I will still be me."

"I get it."

"I had a feeling you would." Sam turned her head and looked at the door, a useless door. "General, I think I have a solution, but in a way you'll have to be patient and trust me, well actually come to think of it you won't. You'll know when you return what you need to do. Tell me what you need."

"I knew you'd figure it out." The General smiled. There was so much she wanted to share with her, but hoped there wasn't too much time left so that she would be tempted to spoil any of it for her.

Sam's opened her eyes and to her right she found exactly what she expected. "Hi."

"Hi." He looked concerned. "Something you need to tell me?"

"What?"

"About the baby."

She hit him playfully upside the head. "Jack, that's not funny. I'm not pregnant. Now stop worrying. I'm fine."

He started laughing, "Okay well, it seemed funny at the time. But, you're not fine. Perfectly healthy people don't go unconscious while tying their shoes, riding in elevators or while lying in bed on Sunday morning."

"Jack, it won't happen again. I promise."

"See how can you promise something like that?"

"Because, I'm Sam Carter."

"That's not even an answer."

"Because I'm Sam Carter-O'Neill?"

"Stop it Samantha, it's not funny." She knew he was really worried, but she felt confident this would work.

"Spring me out of this joint and I'll tell you, then you can decide for yourself. But you let them keep me here and I won't tell you, and you'll be stuck here with no pancakes."

"You are an evil woman."

"I know. Pancakes Jack. Take it or leave it." He was very hungry and she knew how to manipulate him. He had been sitting here waiting for hours. He didn't go eat with the gang, and she knew him that well.

"Dr. Lam!"

"So what Sam, you just forget to eat." Cam asked.

"It's his fault, really." She pointed to Jack. "I got used to having him here and making sure these pesky little necessities of life were taken care of, so I agreed to check in with Dr. Lam for the next two weeks and they let me go so I could eat." Sure it seemed like a plausible explanation.

"Who the hell needs to be told to eat?" Cam asked.

"Seriously!" Jack responded shoving more of his pancakes in his mouth.

Sam waited, and waited. For months she held her breath every time the elevator seemed to take a little too long, or she woke up on a lazy, sunny, Sunday morning, even a couple of times in the locker room….but, nothing happened. She wondered about the consequences of her plan. If she did as planned, would she still be the person she is, would she still remember? Would the fact that she did this negate the need for her visits back and therefore change who she was today?

Late in April of 2008 she woke up and decided that that was the day. It was a very rainy and dreary morning Sam noted as she exited the bank. It was a bank she had never walked into before and would not be back to for sometime. The rental of the safety deposit box was paid in full for the next twenty years, just to be safe. It was a bank that had been around for a good century or so, so she felt confident it would most likely be around for another 17 years…..or so. By some stroke of luck or perhaps good leadership, she wouldn't need to make that visit back there. She hoped. She patted the key in her pocket. Tomorrow she would decide where she would keep the key. She hoped she was doing the right thing. But she had to trust herself, after all who better? She pulled the hood of her jacket up over her head and ran for car.


End file.
